


The Lie Living For Me

by ArvenaPeredhel



Series: Still Here, All That's Left Of... [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Flash Fiction, Gen, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 02:24:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9636683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArvenaPeredhel/pseuds/ArvenaPeredhel
Summary: When you are trapped, the only way out is down.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The first in what will probably be a long series of short pieces on the life of Kira Meru. Very dark, with musings on the nature of consent and the aftermath of rape.

I hate him.  
  
I hate him with every breath in my body, with every fiber of my being, with every beat of my heart. He touches me and my skin turns to ice. He smiles at me and my stomach lurches. He speaks to me and I wish I were dead. 

And yet, night after night, he comes to my bed, and I cannot refuse him.  
  
My name is Kira Meru, and I am a collaborator.

He fancies himself a gentleman, and will do anything to preserve the impeccable facade of his fallibility, his kindness, his fundamental decency. Sometimes I believe he has deceived even himself, and there are moments I dare to hope that the lie has become truth and grown from the rot in his soul. But I have the scars to prove he is anything but gentle, and I bear them with shame, and I bear them with pride. Each mark on my skin is penance for my sins; each mark on my skin is a reminder that I yet live, and as long as I live my children are fed and sheltered from the ravages of war. For them I will endure anything, I will let the monster inside me awaken and engulf what is left of my soul. After all I have seen and endured there is nothing left within me but monstrous things. He has torn the heart from my willing ribcage, and he has sown darkness in its wake, and I curse him for it in the secret thoughts I keep beneath the mask, and he will never see me cry. I will be dead before I let him know that I am alive and breathing beneath listless acquiescence, before he realizes that his comfort woman is not broken and still dreams in the black pits of the cell he threw her into.

I will be dead very, very soon. 

(His hands on me are intoxicating, dragging me down to cold depths, raising me to burning heights, and the pain he brings with him is the most potent and knife-edged of aphrodisiacs. Beneath him I am lost, rising and falling in an endless sea of sensation; I would have it no other way. There is no equanimity here despite all his honeyed words and conciliatory gestures in the public eye. He is master of his bedchamber, and I am his willing slave; without him I wonder if I would even exist. Without him I would be bereft, drifting aimlessly, waiting to be awakened and called to higher purpose than wife and mother. There was always this poison in me, and only he has bothered to feed it. I owe him my existence, and my uttermost loyalty.)  
  
There is no escaping him, not even in the darkest recesses of my thoughts. He has corrupted me, he has warped me, he has left me utterly changed and incapable of escape. I wish I could bring myself to kill him. I wish I could bring myself to consider it. Instead I revel in leisure and indolence while miles below my people starve, wasting away to nothing. _This is for my children_ , I think, and it is only half true. Here I am little better than a prized pet, given few meaningless freedoms and left to my own devices, and true liberty is a tantalizing dream hanging on the other side of transparent windows - but, when his eyes meet mine, and I see the hunger in them, I want nothing more than to let him break me again and again.  
  
In the end, that is what I do, without fail.  
  
May the Prophets damn me to an eternity of houseless wandering. May my spirit never find rest. May I suffer for what I have done in the name of saving my sons and my daughter.  
  
And may I forever burn for loving every moment of it.

 


End file.
